I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize