oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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