Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
