I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
