She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
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