I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
