Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
