I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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