I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
