I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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