remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
