Can i not drive my cunt home
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
