Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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