Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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