Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
