no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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