dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
