so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
