i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
