If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
