I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
