I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
