Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
