so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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