im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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