I want to make a zoo with you.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
