i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
