Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
not ubering you a puppy
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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