Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
