HIV tests are more positive than that guy
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
