Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
