afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
