Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
