grandma shit on top of the toilet
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
