I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
