Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
