I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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