Will you blow on my dice?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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