i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
