And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize