I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize