i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You made out with two different species that night
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
