I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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