I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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