I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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