I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
