I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
