you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
