Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
