I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize