her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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