Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
