I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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