please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
