turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Randomize
