So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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