You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize