is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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