you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
