A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
