I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
