I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
