yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're a waste of cheezeits
In other news, I just burned my penis
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
