i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
