Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The adults are the big ones right?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize